A Life on Pause, Full Speed Ahead

These are strange times, aren’t they friends? 

It's times like these that I'm grateful I left most of my Type A, need-to-get-things-done attitude at the door years ago when things like major diaper blowouts would happen on a regular basis just about the time we were all ready to leave for church, or a family gathering, or even just to the grocery store,  and next thing I knew my outfit smelled like poop, the baby’s outfit was covered in poop and we were all late. Again. 

And, guess what?  There wasn’t a thing we could do about it. 

Kind of like there's not much we can do about the state of the world right now, and all of the chaos and uncertainty unfolding. 

We all had plans for our year, but metaphorically speaking there was a major blowout on the way out the door and there isn’t much we can do  about it except embrace what is, continue taking one day at a time, and trust that God is in control (and we most certainly are not!).  

We’re late for some things this year (figuratively and metaphorically), had to let go of others, and are still not sure what each day is going to look like or how the news might change at any given moment.

Which is why I titled this post "A Life on Pause, Full Speed Ahead", because that is what life has felt like for the last 4 months-- so many things have been cancelled, paused and temporarily suspended and yet, especially for us moms, we are still busy and moving through very full days of housekeeping, meal-making, child-rearing and memory building. 

If I'm honest, the ambiguity of it all is hard for me some days-- especially the uncertainty of what school will look like come September.  

This will be the 9^th year I’ve had children in school (our girls are going into 8^th,  6^th and  2^nd grade this year) and the first time I honestly have no idea what that is going to look like. 

Should we homeschool all 3 of them? We've asked this question a lot. Not out of fear, but out of logical concern for what our options and the school environment will look like come September. 

Should we send two of them back to their smaller private Christian school, which we LOVE, but are anxious to commit to (in terms of paying tuition) when everyone could very well be sent home again this fall for an undetermined amount of time and I will essentially be homeschooling anyways? 

Do I want to send Aubrey (my youngest) into a public school setting where the desks are spaced apart, limited movement is allowed in the hallways, no one is allowed on the playground or the cafeteria, masks may be required, and gym and music classes are not going to feel "normal" because kids must be spaced 12 feet apart? 

I know that our amazing teachers will do their best given the circumstances, but lets be honest, this isn't ideal for anyone. 

It makes me sad, honestly.  The loss of innocence. The loss of familiarity. The loss of carefree childhood experiences where kids smear paint around construction paper grouped together at a table in an art room without masks on their face. 

But, I'm learning that I can't stay there long...in the space of discouragement about the current environment. As a mom, I have to pull up my proverbial bootstraps and keep on walkin'. I need to get my butt into my prayer chair in the morning and pray big prayers with full expectation that God will continue to offer wisdom. 

That's what we do when big parts of life are on pause, but our very full parenting days are still moving full speed ahead. When we need to make decisions about the Fall that impact our children’s education and well being, even while life feels like a multiple choice test where the best choices have been deleted.  We learn to live more fully, as our faith deepens.  

"Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

God gives us manna for each day. He offers daily bread. He tells us not to spin and worry, because just like the sparrow or the grass in the field, our needs will be accounted for. 

Lately I'm laughing at the irony that for all of the “be-in-the-moment” messages surrounding us, most of us struggle to be in the moment and take things one day at a time-- at least I do. 

This space of uncertainty that we are living in has certainly forced me to learn how to live in the moment, to live one day at at time, at a far deeper level than ever before. It's been a hard lesson.  Harder than I would have thought because I would have told you, pre-pandemic, that I was already living this way. That I was trusting God, and did have faith, and that I was doing my best to be in the daily moments. 

God always takes us deeper, doesn't He? 

With school, and many other things right now, I'm learning what it really means to trust God daily. What it means to surrender my anxiety and questions to Him. To walk in faith, confident that He is working all things out. 

If I'm honest, there are times this all feels like we’re on a family road trip driving with the car packed to the gills--we're stopping for bathroom breaks, eating lots of snacks, singing loud songs and driving each other all a little crazy—yet when the girls ask, “Are we there yet?” I have to respond with, “I don't know. I'm not sure where “there” is right now.” 

But in lieu of being “there”, we can learn to live right here. Loving, trusting and finding manna for today. We can choose joy, live our lives with gratitude, and learn to love others well. We can breathe deep, accept what is, and realize there can be contentment in all circumstances-- while life is on pause and moving full speed ahead.